Thursday, October 31, 2013


So once again I was reminded about the confusion and self destructive tendencies that I have or don't have. Sometimes I pretend that I copy people and look to others to understand acceptable practice but sometimes I think that is a lie I tell myself. But then the psychologist said something similar, but maybe that was because it's something I wanted him to think, but then I don't think that I have enough power over my mind, but then maybe I do... Confusion...
So the other day I had a deep and meaningful with a mate, they recalled our first interaction where I parroted some less than flattering information. With my memory blurring I can now recall the memory and have tried to put a spin on it that makes it not so rude and obnoxious. But that is beside the point, I felt gutted, feel gutted, even though I asked and recieved forgiveness. Did feel sick, like I'm hungry but I know I'm fed...
They also reminded me of another interaction with I mutual friend. I knew I was in the wrong, but I was acting on suggestions and desires of others friends. I didn't care but I tried super hard to care. Thinking back it reminded me of my mate who would try super hard to piss his friends off. Whether I knew it or not that was what I was doing.
I felt bad, incompetent, unfeeling and regretful. But God brings good out of evil. It's only day one but I have the feeling that once again God had given me a gift and taken away a temptation from me. It put things in perspective for my relationships and with God and his grace for every aspect of our lives. It gave me fear but also hope for the future. It reminded me that we don't change a huge deal throughout our lives, sometimes when I look at dad I see a twelve year old boy not a fifty year old father.
Changing tack and ignoring context, I had a few mates in school that I came off on the wrong foot but later we had great relationships. I don't remember initial contact, it gets blurred in my memory and fades unless someone rebuilds it.

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